Spending Time With Dad

Today I spent some time with dad. It was very nice. There was no fighting. We've agreed to disagree on a lot of things, but atleast we are no longer screaming at each other, and saying horrible things to each other anymore.

I am relieved I don't have to turn into that monster which screams and verbally demolishes someone whom I love.

He was originally going to be leaving for Hong Kong today to spend Christmas and New Years with her...but he has now postponed his flight. I don't know what made him decide to do that, if they had agreed it was better this way to wait until after I was gone, her being mad about the blog and refusing to let him go, (her having an expo/business meeting to attend to) etc.

I do know I doubt it was because my dad, of his own volition, decided to not go during my stay here in respect to me and my feelings.

Men are stupid. They don't understand a lot of things. Any smart person would realize a vacation during my stay here might not be the best idea....I had no strong, angry objections to him going to visit her this x-mas and new years only because he had already planned it without knowing that I was going to suddenly land in Taiwan with a landing visa.

I dropped in on him practically unannounced, and he welcomed me into his arms and home. And I love him for that. I love him for being there for me when I really, really needed him. I choke up every time I think about how great he was during that time.

I did voice my displeasure in an email saying that it hurt me that he was going to see her, and that I was disappointed. But after that, I had dropped the subject. Only until he pissed me off royally by going to see her in the middle of the night without preparing me at all that she was coming to taiwan did i really explode.

In some ways, I'm glad the explosion happened, because I think I had a LOT of unsaid things and pent up emotions that had to be let out. I was basically swallowing poison every night for years by keeping my mouth shut, and biting my tongue a lot.

What do I think about his postponment of his vacation? I am glad that it is the way that it is so that I can spend more quality time with him before I leave. I am merely saddened that I doubt it was his own idea, and more importantly, I am hurt that it seemed so easy for him to plan a vacation like this seemingly without any guilt about knowing that the people he should be with during this time is his family. His two daughters.

Before my call for help and need for him in Germany, we had not really spoken or talked or related for months and months and months. I essentially cut him off out of my world. I was always civil towards him through email and still talked business with him occasionally through email, but my replies were terse. I did not go out of my way to let him know about ANYTHING which was going on in my life. All of it was told to him by my mother in his infrequent phone calls to her.

Every time he called the house in Katy, I would wave to my mother to NOT let him know that I was there. I avoided talking to him over the phone at all costs because it was just too painful to talk to him. Think about that: too painful to talk with ones own dad. how pathetic and terribly sad is that???

So my point is: The ONLY REASON I've even semi-reconnected with my dad is because I felt I had nowhere else to go when my reltshp fell apart with Chris in Germany. Up until that point, I hadn't had a reltshp with my dad for a very long time.

Why do I say I feel saddened about his previously planned trip for xmas and new years? Because it seemed to me as though he was totally okay with not seeing his daughters for the holidays. I don't know what his rationale was in this, but I guess it could be partly due to my mother saying to not come home anymore, and for us saying we didn't want to see him in the states anymore. So I suppose on some level, my dad had no choice but to book that trip. He was alone in this world when it came to his family.

All of this happening, my sudden arrival here, has allowed him to see me- to catch up with me. Allowed for us to argue and to fight. Allowed for us to reconnect and reconvene. Allowed for us to talk once again. I had no choice in the matter but to talk to him again. Do you see?

Sometimes I wonder if he even noticed my distance. I wonder if he even knew he never got to really speak to either of his daughters over the phone anymore because they purposely avoided his call? We didn't do it out of hate for him so much as it was our way of self preservation- our way of trying to avoid the pain of our reality.

Trying to avoid the pain that when xmas came and new years came...we would not have a dad to be there with us. He would be with her. over there. We would have to wipe the tears that would inevitably come with my mom during the holidays. She is especially sad around Christmas and Thanksgiving-when she knows her family no longer exists. What she thought she worked so hard to maintain--dead as ash.

All in all though, I had a nice time with my dad today. We are shopping for xmas gifts for myself, Brandy, and mom. We haven't quite found anything for mom yet, but we will keep looking.

CC