So Disappointed

My dad said today he was so disappointed in me for the way I turned out. He can't believe he raised such a daughter. How could such hate and resentment and vengefulness consume me so? Maybe it is because of the 3 solid years I've been living this hell.

Maybe it's because I've had to live 3 solid years of hearing my mother scream and wail and curse her life and curse my dad. Maybe I've turned out this way because I thought my dad was a good person. He SCREAMED at me today, "I'm NOT a good person!"

How can he expect me to be one either then?

I am my father's daughter after all!

How can he expect me to be rational and not SCREAM AND PROTEST AND YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, AND COUNTER EVERY SINGLE POINT HE TRIES TO MAKE..I am my mother's daughter after all!

I am merely a mass of cells. Billions of cells. I am basically a waste of a life. My dad took me in at the time I MOST NEEDED HIM. And I am very, very grateful. How do I show my gratitude? By trying to make his life miserable? I hate myself for causing him so much pain, but I hate him for causing me so much pain as well.

There really is no hope for me. I am everything my dad hoped I would not become. EVERY SINGLE thing he wished for in a daughter...does not exist within me. He wanted someone adventurous, someone independent, and capable, someone rational and loving.

I've cried SO many tears tonight. My father cried as well. He screamed and exploded, never have I seen before. And it was a relief. It meant to me that he was human. That after all the bullying, he did have a heart after all. How was I to know? I asked him? How was I to know he was feeling anything? If all he ever said was "I'm not going to be imprisoned by guilt!" "I am going to live my life the way I want to!"

After all these years, his reaction to our wails of pain was just silence and numbness. He told me himself that was his way of reacting: to be numb. Can he blame me then, for trying to elicit ANY KIND OF REACTION AT ALL from him? To know that he has suffered along with us all this time as well?

After his explosion, it comforted me to know that he is not a robot. That he has suffered if only an OUNCE of what we have suffered. I will try not to be so hard on him in the future.