post deleted by me.
CC
Monday, 29 December 2008
Thursday, 25 December 2008
Christmas
Christmas day went pretty well.
I have 4-5 more days left in Taiwan. My mother cannot wait for me to come home. She said she misses me so much, which is pretty remarkable to me, as she likes her space in that huge house of hers.
Dad and I called her on christmas (taiwan time) to wish her a merry xmas (christmas eve her time). When dad got off the phone, her voice cracked a little and she confided in me that she felt lonely on christmas, and that she was completely alone right then. I tried comforting her, and quickly switched the subject to something more upbeat.
I then immediately called my sister, Brandy, and asked her what she was doing for christmas, and let her know that mom was feeling lonesome. Brandy said she found it odd that mom would say that, as she was planning on spending the entire christmas day with her. I had momentarily forgotten it was merely christmas eve in houston. But this concerned her enough that she told me to get off the phone so that she could call mom and make sure she was okay and not feeling lonely.
We are like soldiers getting into immediate formation to battle against anything which might hurt our mother. You can imagine our defensiveness. I am proud of my sister doing all she can to help out while I am not there. This has been a hard job on us, and it can be exhausting at times. This is why we harbor such resentment: because we are the ones left with the burden so that dad can have his freedom/the life he chooses. We are the ones left with the pieces to pick up.
My mom will never be who she was before my dad's admission. I can't ever get that innocent, naive, truly happy mom back again. My uncles can't have their go lucky sister back again. I can't ever get the dad I thought I knew back again.
I try with all my might to compartmentalize the evilness I see in my dad from the dad whom I knew, the dad who raised me. Sometimes it works, and we have a couple of great days like yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes my mind can't let the seal for the compartments in my brain hold tight enough, and the subsequent leak drives me into madness.
I hope for a better 2009, but am braced for what might come. I've learned to merely hope for the best, and expect the very worst. The innocence once so present in our family- replaced with a harsh kind of pessimism, preparation for hurt. There is no room for naivete in our world any longer.
CC
I have 4-5 more days left in Taiwan. My mother cannot wait for me to come home. She said she misses me so much, which is pretty remarkable to me, as she likes her space in that huge house of hers.
Dad and I called her on christmas (taiwan time) to wish her a merry xmas (christmas eve her time). When dad got off the phone, her voice cracked a little and she confided in me that she felt lonely on christmas, and that she was completely alone right then. I tried comforting her, and quickly switched the subject to something more upbeat.
I then immediately called my sister, Brandy, and asked her what she was doing for christmas, and let her know that mom was feeling lonesome. Brandy said she found it odd that mom would say that, as she was planning on spending the entire christmas day with her. I had momentarily forgotten it was merely christmas eve in houston. But this concerned her enough that she told me to get off the phone so that she could call mom and make sure she was okay and not feeling lonely.
We are like soldiers getting into immediate formation to battle against anything which might hurt our mother. You can imagine our defensiveness. I am proud of my sister doing all she can to help out while I am not there. This has been a hard job on us, and it can be exhausting at times. This is why we harbor such resentment: because we are the ones left with the burden so that dad can have his freedom/the life he chooses. We are the ones left with the pieces to pick up.
My mom will never be who she was before my dad's admission. I can't ever get that innocent, naive, truly happy mom back again. My uncles can't have their go lucky sister back again. I can't ever get the dad I thought I knew back again.
I try with all my might to compartmentalize the evilness I see in my dad from the dad whom I knew, the dad who raised me. Sometimes it works, and we have a couple of great days like yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes my mind can't let the seal for the compartments in my brain hold tight enough, and the subsequent leak drives me into madness.
I hope for a better 2009, but am braced for what might come. I've learned to merely hope for the best, and expect the very worst. The innocence once so present in our family- replaced with a harsh kind of pessimism, preparation for hurt. There is no room for naivete in our world any longer.
CC
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Spending Time With Dad
Today I spent some time with dad. It was very nice. There was no fighting. We've agreed to disagree on a lot of things, but atleast we are no longer screaming at each other, and saying horrible things to each other anymore.
I am relieved I don't have to turn into that monster which screams and verbally demolishes someone whom I love.
He was originally going to be leaving for Hong Kong today to spend Christmas and New Years with her...but he has now postponed his flight. I don't know what made him decide to do that, if they had agreed it was better this way to wait until after I was gone, her being mad about the blog and refusing to let him go, (her having an expo/business meeting to attend to) etc.
I do know I doubt it was because my dad, of his own volition, decided to not go during my stay here in respect to me and my feelings.
Men are stupid. They don't understand a lot of things. Any smart person would realize a vacation during my stay here might not be the best idea....I had no strong, angry objections to him going to visit her this x-mas and new years only because he had already planned it without knowing that I was going to suddenly land in Taiwan with a landing visa.
I dropped in on him practically unannounced, and he welcomed me into his arms and home. And I love him for that. I love him for being there for me when I really, really needed him. I choke up every time I think about how great he was during that time.
I did voice my displeasure in an email saying that it hurt me that he was going to see her, and that I was disappointed. But after that, I had dropped the subject. Only until he pissed me off royally by going to see her in the middle of the night without preparing me at all that she was coming to taiwan did i really explode.
In some ways, I'm glad the explosion happened, because I think I had a LOT of unsaid things and pent up emotions that had to be let out. I was basically swallowing poison every night for years by keeping my mouth shut, and biting my tongue a lot.
What do I think about his postponment of his vacation? I am glad that it is the way that it is so that I can spend more quality time with him before I leave. I am merely saddened that I doubt it was his own idea, and more importantly, I am hurt that it seemed so easy for him to plan a vacation like this seemingly without any guilt about knowing that the people he should be with during this time is his family. His two daughters.
Before my call for help and need for him in Germany, we had not really spoken or talked or related for months and months and months. I essentially cut him off out of my world. I was always civil towards him through email and still talked business with him occasionally through email, but my replies were terse. I did not go out of my way to let him know about ANYTHING which was going on in my life. All of it was told to him by my mother in his infrequent phone calls to her.
Every time he called the house in Katy, I would wave to my mother to NOT let him know that I was there. I avoided talking to him over the phone at all costs because it was just too painful to talk to him. Think about that: too painful to talk with ones own dad. how pathetic and terribly sad is that???
So my point is: The ONLY REASON I've even semi-reconnected with my dad is because I felt I had nowhere else to go when my reltshp fell apart with Chris in Germany. Up until that point, I hadn't had a reltshp with my dad for a very long time.
Why do I say I feel saddened about his previously planned trip for xmas and new years? Because it seemed to me as though he was totally okay with not seeing his daughters for the holidays. I don't know what his rationale was in this, but I guess it could be partly due to my mother saying to not come home anymore, and for us saying we didn't want to see him in the states anymore. So I suppose on some level, my dad had no choice but to book that trip. He was alone in this world when it came to his family.
All of this happening, my sudden arrival here, has allowed him to see me- to catch up with me. Allowed for us to argue and to fight. Allowed for us to reconnect and reconvene. Allowed for us to talk once again. I had no choice in the matter but to talk to him again. Do you see?
Sometimes I wonder if he even noticed my distance. I wonder if he even knew he never got to really speak to either of his daughters over the phone anymore because they purposely avoided his call? We didn't do it out of hate for him so much as it was our way of self preservation- our way of trying to avoid the pain of our reality.
Trying to avoid the pain that when xmas came and new years came...we would not have a dad to be there with us. He would be with her. over there. We would have to wipe the tears that would inevitably come with my mom during the holidays. She is especially sad around Christmas and Thanksgiving-when she knows her family no longer exists. What she thought she worked so hard to maintain--dead as ash.
All in all though, I had a nice time with my dad today. We are shopping for xmas gifts for myself, Brandy, and mom. We haven't quite found anything for mom yet, but we will keep looking.
CC
I am relieved I don't have to turn into that monster which screams and verbally demolishes someone whom I love.
He was originally going to be leaving for Hong Kong today to spend Christmas and New Years with her...but he has now postponed his flight. I don't know what made him decide to do that, if they had agreed it was better this way to wait until after I was gone, her being mad about the blog and refusing to let him go, (her having an expo/business meeting to attend to) etc.
I do know I doubt it was because my dad, of his own volition, decided to not go during my stay here in respect to me and my feelings.
Men are stupid. They don't understand a lot of things. Any smart person would realize a vacation during my stay here might not be the best idea....I had no strong, angry objections to him going to visit her this x-mas and new years only because he had already planned it without knowing that I was going to suddenly land in Taiwan with a landing visa.
I dropped in on him practically unannounced, and he welcomed me into his arms and home. And I love him for that. I love him for being there for me when I really, really needed him. I choke up every time I think about how great he was during that time.
I did voice my displeasure in an email saying that it hurt me that he was going to see her, and that I was disappointed. But after that, I had dropped the subject. Only until he pissed me off royally by going to see her in the middle of the night without preparing me at all that she was coming to taiwan did i really explode.
In some ways, I'm glad the explosion happened, because I think I had a LOT of unsaid things and pent up emotions that had to be let out. I was basically swallowing poison every night for years by keeping my mouth shut, and biting my tongue a lot.
What do I think about his postponment of his vacation? I am glad that it is the way that it is so that I can spend more quality time with him before I leave. I am merely saddened that I doubt it was his own idea, and more importantly, I am hurt that it seemed so easy for him to plan a vacation like this seemingly without any guilt about knowing that the people he should be with during this time is his family. His two daughters.
Before my call for help and need for him in Germany, we had not really spoken or talked or related for months and months and months. I essentially cut him off out of my world. I was always civil towards him through email and still talked business with him occasionally through email, but my replies were terse. I did not go out of my way to let him know about ANYTHING which was going on in my life. All of it was told to him by my mother in his infrequent phone calls to her.
Every time he called the house in Katy, I would wave to my mother to NOT let him know that I was there. I avoided talking to him over the phone at all costs because it was just too painful to talk to him. Think about that: too painful to talk with ones own dad. how pathetic and terribly sad is that???
So my point is: The ONLY REASON I've even semi-reconnected with my dad is because I felt I had nowhere else to go when my reltshp fell apart with Chris in Germany. Up until that point, I hadn't had a reltshp with my dad for a very long time.
Why do I say I feel saddened about his previously planned trip for xmas and new years? Because it seemed to me as though he was totally okay with not seeing his daughters for the holidays. I don't know what his rationale was in this, but I guess it could be partly due to my mother saying to not come home anymore, and for us saying we didn't want to see him in the states anymore. So I suppose on some level, my dad had no choice but to book that trip. He was alone in this world when it came to his family.
All of this happening, my sudden arrival here, has allowed him to see me- to catch up with me. Allowed for us to argue and to fight. Allowed for us to reconnect and reconvene. Allowed for us to talk once again. I had no choice in the matter but to talk to him again. Do you see?
Sometimes I wonder if he even noticed my distance. I wonder if he even knew he never got to really speak to either of his daughters over the phone anymore because they purposely avoided his call? We didn't do it out of hate for him so much as it was our way of self preservation- our way of trying to avoid the pain of our reality.
Trying to avoid the pain that when xmas came and new years came...we would not have a dad to be there with us. He would be with her. over there. We would have to wipe the tears that would inevitably come with my mom during the holidays. She is especially sad around Christmas and Thanksgiving-when she knows her family no longer exists. What she thought she worked so hard to maintain--dead as ash.
All in all though, I had a nice time with my dad today. We are shopping for xmas gifts for myself, Brandy, and mom. We haven't quite found anything for mom yet, but we will keep looking.
CC
Monday, 22 December 2008
The Update I wrote on Previous Blog
No. I am not wiping the slate clean. I am nowhere near forgiving or forgetting. I do not think I will EVER be able to forgive what she has done to me and my family. My dad said he did not expect me to forgive or to not hate her. I am thankful he can understand that atleast.
I own this url. And I will own it until I choose not to own it. Just as my dad does not want to be controlled by the threat of my rage when I hear her name or am faced with him seeing her or mentioning her, I do not want to be controlled by anyone telling me to take this blog down 'cause "it's not right." Well, a lot of things aren't right in this world. My dad's affair isn't right to me. But nothing has stopped it from continuing.
Not everyone can get their way. I'm sure my dad would prefer me to not have the blog at all. But to that I will say: too bad. Sorry. I don't want a lot of things concerning him as well.
Therefore, the only compromise I can offer is what I have done thusfar. I have moved my content to my own personal blog of a different name: http://thesickaffair.blogspot.com/
This is where I will vent my feelings of what has happened to me in the past 4 years regarding this situation. All the comments are still there, and most of the content is exactly the same. This is where I will continue where I left off.
Friends who have been following along. Thank you for all of your kind emails of support. Thank you also to the friends who have tried to give me a different perspective than my own regarding this affair. I do not believe in censorship, and hate the fact that I am compromising in a way.
I just want to live in semi-peace with my father. I love him. I hate him. I love him. I was born from him. I am his first daughter. I don't want him to be my enemy. I've told him that time and time again. The screaming matches I had with a man I didn't recognize. The screaming matches he had with a daughter he didn't recognize...were utterly damaging to my soul, and painful to my heart. We both will never forget the brutality of our fight. We ripped each other apart. Limbs, hearts, souls, blood on the floor. That's what i would equate it to as far as fights go. A battle with no winner.
I had a lot of pent up emotions and anger and resentment that I had been building up, stewing within me for 4 years...it manifested itself in the starting of the blog while my dad was with her in the middle of the night. Like a pot brimming, brewing, then after four years, finally boiling over.
4 Years of pain for me to the 4 days the blog was online. Some may think me incredibly cruel for the blog, but I think when you look back at that ratio, you can see why it is hard for me to let go, and why so much vengefulness and anger came out onto the blog.
I cannot guarantee anything. I can't guarantee that a year from now or 2 yrs from now...the vitriol and the anger won't come up again and I won't lash out here. or worse. Anything is possible in the future. I have no control over what my dad chooses to do. Or what ming chooses to do. And they will not have a choice of how I might react.
I cannot guarantee I won't fulfill the promise I made to my dad about utilizing every legal means necessary to destroy her livelihood and reputation after he dies.
I cannot guarantee that I won't one day truly let this all go and not find any of it necessary at all. Like my dad says, maybe when I am 60, I will understand more. And I will have changed.
All I can do is do what i've done so far to this point.
That is all he can ask of me.
This post too will be deleted soon.
CC
I own this url. And I will own it until I choose not to own it. Just as my dad does not want to be controlled by the threat of my rage when I hear her name or am faced with him seeing her or mentioning her, I do not want to be controlled by anyone telling me to take this blog down 'cause "it's not right." Well, a lot of things aren't right in this world. My dad's affair isn't right to me. But nothing has stopped it from continuing.
Not everyone can get their way. I'm sure my dad would prefer me to not have the blog at all. But to that I will say: too bad. Sorry. I don't want a lot of things concerning him as well.
Therefore, the only compromise I can offer is what I have done thusfar. I have moved my content to my own personal blog of a different name: http://thesickaffair.blogspot.com/
This is where I will vent my feelings of what has happened to me in the past 4 years regarding this situation. All the comments are still there, and most of the content is exactly the same. This is where I will continue where I left off.
Friends who have been following along. Thank you for all of your kind emails of support. Thank you also to the friends who have tried to give me a different perspective than my own regarding this affair. I do not believe in censorship, and hate the fact that I am compromising in a way.
I just want to live in semi-peace with my father. I love him. I hate him. I love him. I was born from him. I am his first daughter. I don't want him to be my enemy. I've told him that time and time again. The screaming matches I had with a man I didn't recognize. The screaming matches he had with a daughter he didn't recognize...were utterly damaging to my soul, and painful to my heart. We both will never forget the brutality of our fight. We ripped each other apart. Limbs, hearts, souls, blood on the floor. That's what i would equate it to as far as fights go. A battle with no winner.
I had a lot of pent up emotions and anger and resentment that I had been building up, stewing within me for 4 years...it manifested itself in the starting of the blog while my dad was with her in the middle of the night. Like a pot brimming, brewing, then after four years, finally boiling over.
4 Years of pain for me to the 4 days the blog was online. Some may think me incredibly cruel for the blog, but I think when you look back at that ratio, you can see why it is hard for me to let go, and why so much vengefulness and anger came out onto the blog.
I cannot guarantee anything. I can't guarantee that a year from now or 2 yrs from now...the vitriol and the anger won't come up again and I won't lash out here. or worse. Anything is possible in the future. I have no control over what my dad chooses to do. Or what ming chooses to do. And they will not have a choice of how I might react.
I cannot guarantee I won't fulfill the promise I made to my dad about utilizing every legal means necessary to destroy her livelihood and reputation after he dies.
I cannot guarantee that I won't one day truly let this all go and not find any of it necessary at all. Like my dad says, maybe when I am 60, I will understand more. And I will have changed.
All I can do is do what i've done so far to this point.
That is all he can ask of me.
This post too will be deleted soon.
CC
Sunday, 21 December 2008
In Response to Comment Under "Interesting CNN Article"
Hi Luigi,
I don't expect you to understand. And YES. it is quite reprehensible what the pain of this affair has driven me to. I am not proud of this blog at all. It is sick and disgusting and twisted, and pathetic that I felt the need to do this.
After three years of trying every viable means necessary to get my feelings across, this is what it came down to because of her arrival to taiwan during my stay here. I would be much less hostile if my dad took his affair away, and out of my face in Hong Kong, where she lives.
As far as reprehensible goes...I find her actions and the hurt she has caused me and my family utterly reprehensible as well.
And in that light, I suppose we are even. And by even, I don't mean equality in degree of pain. Rather, we have both done reprehensible things. I wrote her that email 3 years ago and I never got a response. So obviously, I don't know if she finds her own actions to be reprehensible, but is nevertheless still unable to stop engaging in the affair...if this is the case, then I suppose my blog posting mirrors that sentiment. And then appropriately so, she of all ppl would understand why it is here.
I am powerless and weak. I do concede to that as well. I am powerless to the actions she chooses to engage in. I am powerless to the actions my father chooses to engage in.
Please do some research on libel, defamation and slander. There are many defenses for defamation, including, but not limited to: "The most important defense to an action for defamation is "truth", which is an absolute defense to an action for defamation...A defense recognized in most jurisdictions is "opinion". If the person makes a statement of opinion as opposed to fact, the statement may not support a cause of action for defamation. " Everything I've posted here are my OPINIONS OF SOMEONE. And the fact that what i am speaking of is an affair, well..that is FACT. In order to meet the definition of libel, what is being spoken of has to be untrue. It is not untrue that she is engaging in an extramarital affair. And has done so knowing the pain it caused/is causing for three years now, since I sent her that email.
I am not cyber stalking. In fact, I would say I've shown QUITE RESTRAINT in sending her emails. I've sent her 2 emails in the 4 years that I've lived this hell (3 years since my mom's found out). The first one is posted on this blog.
Passive Aggression is the path I take because I cannot be directly aggressive. I would endanger her physical well being and my own if it resorted to that. So I wouldn't say direct aggression is the better option as opposed to passive aggression. Though, I know you mean the alternative as taking the high road of no aggression as all. Tell you what, I will take the high road when she chooses to do the same. I must say, the anger and vengefulness in me has lessened so since my posting of this blog. But comments like this bring back the anger and pain in me.
Luigi, I don't expect you to understand what I'm going through, or why I do the things I do. If I were you, an outsider looking in, I would be equally disgusted. But the difference is, you are not me. And you haven't lived my life, and Ming has obviously not done anything harmful to you. After all, in your own words, "Ming is a wonderful generous, gracious and deeply ethical friend to me." The key word to take note is highlighted in bold. You have your opinion, and I have mine. You find her to be "deeply ethical" and the only difference with me is, I find her to be "deeply unethical." My reasons stem from what she's done to me, and yours stem from your own experiences with her.
Maybe one day I will be able to forgive everyone in this matter. My dad for being weak of heart and a coward for letting my mom grow old, into her 50s before admitting he was having an affair (including his self admitted past dalliances/affairs spanning over a decade). My mother for making me hate my dad at times and living a Mrs. Havisham type existence for 3 years. Both my parents for their awful way of handling this situation. My mother's psychosis and tantrums (much like my own) and my father's numbness towards us. Maybe one day I can forgive the way each of them have involved their children in this mess from the get-go, putting us in the awful position of having to choose sides: Feeling guilty for hurting our mother if we defend our father; feeling guilty for causing our father pain when all he wants is "true" love.
And lastly, maybe one day I will be able to forgive Ming, and I won't need this blog anymore. I won't need to vent or lash out here.
I've never gotten any kind of signal from her. As far as contrition or apology or any reaction at all. In fact, this is the first time I've heard of her being upset when her precious reputation was momentarily at stake . (since my initial intent of stating the truth and my opinions of her in this blog have changed, the posts have been un meta tagged if you had been paying close attention)
In the end, I hope the day will come where I can forgive and let go.
Today is not that day (as I'm replying to your comment here), but I hope with time, it will come in the future.
In parting, I welcome your comments and thoughts. Feel free to post them here, or email me directly if you'd like. However, I will delete duplicate comment posts.
CC
This Island...
Isn't big enough for the Three of Us.
So, I will be leaving soon! I was going to stay here a year to get my taiwanese citizenship, but things didn't work out. I am again, packing my bags (all 4 of them!) and moving back to the States! I just can't face or be faced with any of this anymore. Such blatant, immoral actions in my face night after night. I should take a page from my grandmother and feign ignorance.
I'm going crazy, I'm making my dad go crazy. After two days of truly, EXPLOSIVE arguments, I think it's best we parted ways.
He said I was welcome back to Taiwan any time.
I told him the next time I came back to Taiwan, it would be for a funeral.
I predict after this trip, I probably won't see my dad again for a long, long, long time. This saddens me. And it should sadden him too. But of course, I will have no way of knowing that.
It saddens me that we had to part under such horrible circumstances.
It saddens me that the actions of two people can destroy the lives of so many.
He won't be back in the States for Christmas, or Thanksgiving or New Years in the years to come. Awhile back, he had agreed not to come back to Texas anymore, so as not to cause the family so much pain. I think it is indeed better this way. But it is still very sad it had to come to that.
I told my dad I loved him today. Though, strangely enough, my actions as of late have been contrary to the sentiment. He told me that he loved me too, and would always love me no matter what I ever do.
He says what I'm doing is not right. I say what he is doing is not right.
Stalemate.
Life is finite. His cough is horrible. My grandmother says she will outlive him. I don't know if that will be the case, but I asked him tonight if he believed in Karma.
I asked him if a person hurt others in this world, would they have karmic consequences of Pulmonary Disease? He laughed between coughs and spitting up sputum into the sink, and said yes. He said he did indeed believe in it.
So, I will be leaving soon! I was going to stay here a year to get my taiwanese citizenship, but things didn't work out. I am again, packing my bags (all 4 of them!) and moving back to the States! I just can't face or be faced with any of this anymore. Such blatant, immoral actions in my face night after night. I should take a page from my grandmother and feign ignorance.
I'm going crazy, I'm making my dad go crazy. After two days of truly, EXPLOSIVE arguments, I think it's best we parted ways.
He said I was welcome back to Taiwan any time.
I told him the next time I came back to Taiwan, it would be for a funeral.
I predict after this trip, I probably won't see my dad again for a long, long, long time. This saddens me. And it should sadden him too. But of course, I will have no way of knowing that.
It saddens me that we had to part under such horrible circumstances.
It saddens me that the actions of two people can destroy the lives of so many.
He won't be back in the States for Christmas, or Thanksgiving or New Years in the years to come. Awhile back, he had agreed not to come back to Texas anymore, so as not to cause the family so much pain. I think it is indeed better this way. But it is still very sad it had to come to that.
I told my dad I loved him today. Though, strangely enough, my actions as of late have been contrary to the sentiment. He told me that he loved me too, and would always love me no matter what I ever do.
He says what I'm doing is not right. I say what he is doing is not right.
Stalemate.
Life is finite. His cough is horrible. My grandmother says she will outlive him. I don't know if that will be the case, but I asked him tonight if he believed in Karma.
I asked him if a person hurt others in this world, would they have karmic consequences of Pulmonary Disease? He laughed between coughs and spitting up sputum into the sink, and said yes. He said he did indeed believe in it.
No Pictures Please
Today my dad wanted to take pictures of me because I got dressed up for once. I told him no repeatedly. Why? Because I don't want a picture of the worst day of my life.
I don't want to remember tonight, when my dad was yelling and shaking with anger and disgust and hate towards me. I don't want to remember tonight when he was frothing at the mouth, mucus coming down his nostrils. I don't want to remember me screaming back at him at the top of my lungs. I don't want to remember my hand shaking uncontrollably as I reached for the bottle of water. I do not want to remember the things my dad said to me tonight. The sick and twisted things we both said to each other.
I don't want to remember any of it.
But we probably both will..until the day we die.
That is why: No Pictures Please.
I don't want to remember tonight, when my dad was yelling and shaking with anger and disgust and hate towards me. I don't want to remember tonight when he was frothing at the mouth, mucus coming down his nostrils. I don't want to remember me screaming back at him at the top of my lungs. I don't want to remember my hand shaking uncontrollably as I reached for the bottle of water. I do not want to remember the things my dad said to me tonight. The sick and twisted things we both said to each other.
I don't want to remember any of it.
But we probably both will..until the day we die.
That is why: No Pictures Please.
So Disappointed
My dad said today he was so disappointed in me for the way I turned out. He can't believe he raised such a daughter. How could such hate and resentment and vengefulness consume me so? Maybe it is because of the 3 solid years I've been living this hell.
Maybe it's because I've had to live 3 solid years of hearing my mother scream and wail and curse her life and curse my dad. Maybe I've turned out this way because I thought my dad was a good person. He SCREAMED at me today, "I'm NOT a good person!"
How can he expect me to be one either then?
I am my father's daughter after all!
How can he expect me to be rational and not SCREAM AND PROTEST AND YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, AND COUNTER EVERY SINGLE POINT HE TRIES TO MAKE..I am my mother's daughter after all!
I am merely a mass of cells. Billions of cells. I am basically a waste of a life. My dad took me in at the time I MOST NEEDED HIM. And I am very, very grateful. How do I show my gratitude? By trying to make his life miserable? I hate myself for causing him so much pain, but I hate him for causing me so much pain as well.
There really is no hope for me. I am everything my dad hoped I would not become. EVERY SINGLE thing he wished for in a daughter...does not exist within me. He wanted someone adventurous, someone independent, and capable, someone rational and loving.
I've cried SO many tears tonight. My father cried as well. He screamed and exploded, never have I seen before. And it was a relief. It meant to me that he was human. That after all the bullying, he did have a heart after all. How was I to know? I asked him? How was I to know he was feeling anything? If all he ever said was "I'm not going to be imprisoned by guilt!" "I am going to live my life the way I want to!"
After all these years, his reaction to our wails of pain was just silence and numbness. He told me himself that was his way of reacting: to be numb. Can he blame me then, for trying to elicit ANY KIND OF REACTION AT ALL from him? To know that he has suffered along with us all this time as well?
After his explosion, it comforted me to know that he is not a robot. That he has suffered if only an OUNCE of what we have suffered. I will try not to be so hard on him in the future.
Maybe it's because I've had to live 3 solid years of hearing my mother scream and wail and curse her life and curse my dad. Maybe I've turned out this way because I thought my dad was a good person. He SCREAMED at me today, "I'm NOT a good person!"
How can he expect me to be one either then?
I am my father's daughter after all!
How can he expect me to be rational and not SCREAM AND PROTEST AND YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, AND COUNTER EVERY SINGLE POINT HE TRIES TO MAKE..I am my mother's daughter after all!
I am merely a mass of cells. Billions of cells. I am basically a waste of a life. My dad took me in at the time I MOST NEEDED HIM. And I am very, very grateful. How do I show my gratitude? By trying to make his life miserable? I hate myself for causing him so much pain, but I hate him for causing me so much pain as well.
There really is no hope for me. I am everything my dad hoped I would not become. EVERY SINGLE thing he wished for in a daughter...does not exist within me. He wanted someone adventurous, someone independent, and capable, someone rational and loving.
I've cried SO many tears tonight. My father cried as well. He screamed and exploded, never have I seen before. And it was a relief. It meant to me that he was human. That after all the bullying, he did have a heart after all. How was I to know? I asked him? How was I to know he was feeling anything? If all he ever said was "I'm not going to be imprisoned by guilt!" "I am going to live my life the way I want to!"
After all these years, his reaction to our wails of pain was just silence and numbness. He told me himself that was his way of reacting: to be numb. Can he blame me then, for trying to elicit ANY KIND OF REACTION AT ALL from him? To know that he has suffered along with us all this time as well?
After his explosion, it comforted me to know that he is not a robot. That he has suffered if only an OUNCE of what we have suffered. I will try not to be so hard on him in the future.
Important Updates
Hi Everyone!
Thank you for everyone's kind support in offering their advice and help in this matter. No, I don't need you to crash anyone's site or destroy anyone's livelihood...for now.
I promised my dad I would not engage in any vengeful activities towards his mistress until after he dies. He is nearly 60.
So I guess we can start back up in about 15-20 years?
As of right now, the blog will continue, but not with its original intent! Instead, it will just be a forum for me to vent my frustrations out on the destruction of my family.
If need be, I told my dad I would use my body as a form of ultimate protest.
People blow themselves up, kill themselves, burn themselves alive in protest all the time.
Perhaps it won't make any kind of impact at all, but it couldn't hurt, could it? : )
I certainly don't value my life all that much, and have been suicidal for many years since the discovery of my dad's illicit affair with this woman.
-so disgusted by you
Thank you for everyone's kind support in offering their advice and help in this matter. No, I don't need you to crash anyone's site or destroy anyone's livelihood...for now.
I promised my dad I would not engage in any vengeful activities towards his mistress until after he dies. He is nearly 60.
So I guess we can start back up in about 15-20 years?
As of right now, the blog will continue, but not with its original intent! Instead, it will just be a forum for me to vent my frustrations out on the destruction of my family.
If need be, I told my dad I would use my body as a form of ultimate protest.
People blow themselves up, kill themselves, burn themselves alive in protest all the time.
Perhaps it won't make any kind of impact at all, but it couldn't hurt, could it? : )
I certainly don't value my life all that much, and have been suicidal for many years since the discovery of my dad's illicit affair with this woman.
-so disgusted by you
What were You doing on Dec.18th from 11pm-3am?
Were you in a hotel room?
Did someone come visit you?
My Dad left me and his elderly mother tonight at 11pm. Oh don't worry, he told us it was for business! and we both know tons of ppl do business at 11pm-3am!
...In brothels
Hope you're having fun preparing for your run!! : )
run, run, run!
-so disgusted by you
Did someone come visit you?
My Dad left me and his elderly mother tonight at 11pm. Oh don't worry, he told us it was for business! and we both know tons of ppl do business at 11pm-3am!
...In brothels
Hope you're having fun preparing for your run!! : )
run, run, run!
-so disgusted by you
Questions Posed
I've saved the question I posted to her blog.
Hopefully I will get an answer!!
Survey: Happier at work-->1 Comment on “Q&A : Ask Ming”#1 LTZ on Dec 18th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Ming-
I was wondering, if you had the power to stop doing something immoral, an action that you engage in time and time again which hurts others, would you stop if asked?
Will you stop?
Also, how does one make a living touting positive psychology yet engage in behaviors which do true and long-lasting psychological damage to others?
How do you sleep at night? I hope well!
I hope you keep up with my blog!! : )
TYM: QS
-so disgusted by you
Hopefully I will get an answer!!
Survey: Happier at work-->1 Comment on “Q&A : Ask Ming”#1 LTZ on Dec 18th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Ming-
I was wondering, if you had the power to stop doing something immoral, an action that you engage in time and time again which hurts others, would you stop if asked?
Will you stop?
Also, how does one make a living touting positive psychology yet engage in behaviors which do true and long-lasting psychological damage to others?
How do you sleep at night? I hope well!
I hope you keep up with my blog!! : )
TYM: QS
-so disgusted by you
Unknown Man
Awww, I got this picture from one of my favorite blogs. the entry i took the pic from was about embracing curiosity or whatnot.
gosh, i am kind of curious who this man could be???
his back looks so familiar to me??
who took this lovely photo?!!!!! god what amazing talent!
-so disgusted by you
Fun Emails! Written in 2005! oh how time flies!!
Ming-
I am xxxxxxx. I am the eldest daughter of xxxxxx. I am the eldest who climbed mountain on my daddy's legs. I am the daughter who thought the world of her daddy. I am the daughter who grew up with and without him, but his thoughts and heart always within hers. I am the daughter who went to the movies with him, who sat on his lap and learned how to drive in the park. I am the daughter, who loved him so much, even if mean things flew out of her mouth sometimes. I am the daughter who looked up to her father-strived to be more like him—an effigy of love, affection, vision – a beacon of light.This is what many daughters think of their dads as they grow up. It is not unique. With time, and age, children grow up. They realize that their dad's are not perfect- that they make mistakes. That they are HUMAN. I've known that for a long time now. And I still love him.I am HUMAN. I am RASH. I too, make many mistakes. Perhaps this letter is another one in my life. What do I do? Can I reason with you? Can I ask you to STOP fucking my Dad? Can I ask HIM to STOP this despicable affair?I am ANGRY. I am HORRIFIED. I am SICK TO MY STOMACH. Did you really think I wouldn't find out? Did my Dad? He raised me to be a smart woman. Unfortunately, he made a grave mistake. He underestimated just HOW smart I was. Did he think I didn't notice sneaky online msn messages in the middle of the night? No person does business that late. Who was he talking to? The clues, the signs were there from the beginning. I think all parents underestimate just how much their children see. We are ears. We are sight. We know. And the second you take that for granted, is the second you will get CAUGHT.First of all, don't deny it. Don't try and weasel your way out of it. That would insult us both. It is BENEATH me to explain how I know. I just do. Do I have SOLID, SUBSTANTIAL PROOF? Let's say, MORE THAN ENOUGH- enough to fill a book.To my knowledge, this affair of yours has been going on for at least a year. Do you know he is MARRIED? Do you know that my MOM'S name is xxxxxx? She is a PERSON bound to him by marriage and the past that they share. I am looking at their wedding photo right now. She is beautiful. She is skinny, 20 years old (almost 3 years younger than me now) and she is naïve. I look at her smiling in this photo, and wonder….does she know her husband will be unfaithful in her marriage? Does she know that he will not only betray her, but turn a BLIND EYE to his family?This is what hurts me most. He made a CONSCIOUS decision your first night together to BETRAY US- to STAB US IN THE BACK. I always knew he was a selfish person, but not THIS selfish. How could he? How could he turn his back on us? Your beloved LTZ is leading a DOUBLE life. Do you know that? He is my father, xxxx spokesperson and leader, Ripplecards believer. He is jovial, he is perfection (to those who do not know him that well.) You know a different side of him. One I will never know. One that I do not recognize and do not want to know. I wonder how many sweet things he calls you, the saccharine pouring out of his mouth. And how many times you say you love him. I don't BLAME you for loving him. He is a WONDERFUL catch…a great guy. What I DO blame you for is being a SUPREME HYPOCRITE. You, of all people….Ripplecards writer. Do you actually believe the shit you spout out to people? The people you coach? As you are taking part in my dad's extramarital affair? Your actions make me sick.Your favorite Ripplecard:My every act makes a difference in someone's life. I choose to make it a positive one.If this truly is your favorite Ripplecard, I don't think I have to point out the SUPREME hypocrisy you have exhibited by your actions. Every word of your Ripplecard is true though. YOUR EVERY ACT DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY FAMILY'S LIFE. You and my dad's CHOICE to do this HAS affected my life. Do you realize you have taken part in the DESTRUCTION of my family? Do you even care every time you fuck my Dad and bestow your kisses and "I love you's" to him, you are breaking my family apart. Ripping it apart?I just want you to know that your actions DO have ramifications. That your CHOICE is NOT a positive one. That it is a DESTRUCTIVE ONE.How can you go on handing out your Ripplecards to people knowing how evil your actions are? I want you to think about that from now on. EVERY time you pass one of your Ripplecards…KNOW that it is a farce. That you, yourself, do not follow it.Perhaps you didn't know my dad was married…DOUBTFUL. Maybe my dad told you he and his wife have an agreement, an open marriage. I don't know what my dad told you. What I do know, is that they do NOT have an open marriage. That my mom WOULD be VERY upset…that if she ever found out about this…it would DESTROY her. It would DEVASTATE her. I don't expect you to care about my mom. You and my Dad's actions have clearly shown you don't. But I DO. And I will do everything in my power to protect her, the INNOCENT. She does NOT DESERVE this. She is the innocent party. She works every day so hard, to support us. She is blind to my dad's DOUBLE LIFE. And I want to keep it that way.I am a mixture of feelings. Why am I writing this letter to you? Because I am SPITEFUL. I am RASH. I am HUMAN. Please forgive me for this letter, but DO take into account how I feel, and that your actions DO affect people. Please don't be so selfish as to not see that.My dad does not know any of this. I have not confronted him. As far as he knows, things are going peachy, and he can't wait to "spend your first night together in your new nest."I am going to let you tell him in one of your little midnight msn chats or let you forward him this email. You can tell him yourself that I know… Why? Because it is BENEATH me to discuss this with him. Right now, I think he is vile. I am so angry and my whole image of him has been SHATTERED into a million pieces.I know my Dad likes his freedom. He wants power. He does not like people holding a trump card over his head. I am fearful that when he does find out that I know,that he will just lie down like a coward and tell my mom because he is TOO SELFISH not to hurt her. I really hope he is not THAT selfish. I really hope that he sees my mom doesn't deserve this.Do not be mistakened, I do NOT blame you for everything. I am not that immature. I know that he is half responsible, if not more so, because he SHUNNED his family for this affair. I do not want to discount your feelings for him, or his for you. I don't doubt that you love him, or that he feels a certain connection with you. I know that love can make you do CRAZY things. I have experienced it first hand this past year. But I DO KNOW. That I would NEVER cheat on someone, and I have RESPECT for other people and their families-that I actually think about my actions and how it would affect people.You and my Dad might be older than me, but I am only 22, soon to be 23, and have learned this lesson even better than you. Shame on you for having to have someone so young tell you how WRONG your actions are-how HURTFUL they are.I hope that you do not see my Dad again. (though I know he is due to arrive in Hong Kong soon) Right now, I wish Ripplecards was demolished because it is the most idiotic thing. What is it? I would say it is a nicely packaged illusion. It is a mask that you are hawking out to the naïve. A mask to cover humanity's evil ways. If you guys love each other so much, then you two decide what is the next option. Is my dad really willing to sacrifice his eldest, his youngest, his wife and his extended family for you? I don't know. I certainly never thought he would RISK it. It is up to you to pose that question to him, and up to you to ask YOURSELF if you want this.I know a lot of people would be DEVASTATED to find out my dad is a mask. I know his eldest daughter is.
Sincerely,
XXXX
Daughter of XXXXX
Sister of XXXXX
Daughter of XXXXX
And Daughter of your "LTZ"
-so disgusted by you
Sad, Sad Story
Love and Hate- a story by Anonymous
no words can describe the sense of disgust i harbor towards my dad and his mistress. they are pathetic, disgusting little creatures. i wish he would keep his affair a little more discreet, hidden away like secret things not meant for the light of day. it tears and rips at my soul every time he speaks with her. he has now left the apartment to go see her. it is 11pm at night. why doesn't he just do me a favor and stay there all night? i'd rather not see his sick face when he returns tonight. after doing the deed with this unscrupulous creature. affairs are romanticized in films and novels. they can be sympathetic characters in fantasy. but in reality, they hurt family members. they hurt me. they hurt my mother, they hurt my sister. they hurt our extended family. he has brought utter shame onto this household. so much so that my mother cannot wait until our last name dies with my marriage.
i try to be mature. i try to be diplomatic. but the sense of betrayal seems natural. my lashing out seems uncontrollable. i cannot help but scream out to him. to bastardize his mistress's name with various expletives. i explain to him repeatedly that she is of no good. there is no pureness in her heart. a pure person would not choose this path: happiness at the expense of so many. what happiness can possibly be garnered??
he is with her now. and i want to scream and bash walls. it is no wonder i am so mentally disabled. so emotionally handicapped, so mistrusting of men. he should have been paying attention to the play we watched tonight. medea- a story of how betrayal can cause madness. how the thoughtless actions of one man can cause the murders of so many.
i am utterly disgusted. i love him, but i fear my true father has died a long time ago. he has been replaced with this uncaring, robotic man- with no sense of dignity. he has found another woman with no dignity as well. i sometimes wish i believed in hell or karma or an afterlife where deeds unpunished in waking life find true justice. when my father dies, she will not be at the funeral. when my father dies, she will not find out from me. when my father dies, i will make sure through legal means of dragging her name through the soot. libel and slander do not hold merit if what is being spoken is a fact. no falseties will leave my mouth. only the disgusting, utter, sad truth.
-Anonymous
Wow..what an amazing story! I'm so glad I don't have a dad like that!!
-so disgusted by you
no words can describe the sense of disgust i harbor towards my dad and his mistress. they are pathetic, disgusting little creatures. i wish he would keep his affair a little more discreet, hidden away like secret things not meant for the light of day. it tears and rips at my soul every time he speaks with her. he has now left the apartment to go see her. it is 11pm at night. why doesn't he just do me a favor and stay there all night? i'd rather not see his sick face when he returns tonight. after doing the deed with this unscrupulous creature. affairs are romanticized in films and novels. they can be sympathetic characters in fantasy. but in reality, they hurt family members. they hurt me. they hurt my mother, they hurt my sister. they hurt our extended family. he has brought utter shame onto this household. so much so that my mother cannot wait until our last name dies with my marriage.
i try to be mature. i try to be diplomatic. but the sense of betrayal seems natural. my lashing out seems uncontrollable. i cannot help but scream out to him. to bastardize his mistress's name with various expletives. i explain to him repeatedly that she is of no good. there is no pureness in her heart. a pure person would not choose this path: happiness at the expense of so many. what happiness can possibly be garnered??
he is with her now. and i want to scream and bash walls. it is no wonder i am so mentally disabled. so emotionally handicapped, so mistrusting of men. he should have been paying attention to the play we watched tonight. medea- a story of how betrayal can cause madness. how the thoughtless actions of one man can cause the murders of so many.
i am utterly disgusted. i love him, but i fear my true father has died a long time ago. he has been replaced with this uncaring, robotic man- with no sense of dignity. he has found another woman with no dignity as well. i sometimes wish i believed in hell or karma or an afterlife where deeds unpunished in waking life find true justice. when my father dies, she will not be at the funeral. when my father dies, she will not find out from me. when my father dies, i will make sure through legal means of dragging her name through the soot. libel and slander do not hold merit if what is being spoken is a fact. no falseties will leave my mouth. only the disgusting, utter, sad truth.
-Anonymous
Wow..what an amazing story! I'm so glad I don't have a dad like that!!
-so disgusted by you
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