Christmas

Christmas day went pretty well.

I have 4-5 more days left in Taiwan. My mother cannot wait for me to come home. She said she misses me so much, which is pretty remarkable to me, as she likes her space in that huge house of hers.

Dad and I called her on christmas (taiwan time) to wish her a merry xmas (christmas eve her time). When dad got off the phone, her voice cracked a little and she confided in me that she felt lonely on christmas, and that she was completely alone right then. I tried comforting her, and quickly switched the subject to something more upbeat.

I then immediately called my sister, Brandy, and asked her what she was doing for christmas, and let her know that mom was feeling lonesome. Brandy said she found it odd that mom would say that, as she was planning on spending the entire christmas day with her. I had momentarily forgotten it was merely christmas eve in houston. But this concerned her enough that she told me to get off the phone so that she could call mom and make sure she was okay and not feeling lonely.

We are like soldiers getting into immediate formation to battle against anything which might hurt our mother. You can imagine our defensiveness. I am proud of my sister doing all she can to help out while I am not there. This has been a hard job on us, and it can be exhausting at times. This is why we harbor such resentment: because we are the ones left with the burden so that dad can have his freedom/the life he chooses. We are the ones left with the pieces to pick up.

My mom will never be who she was before my dad's admission. I can't ever get that innocent, naive, truly happy mom back again. My uncles can't have their go lucky sister back again. I can't ever get the dad I thought I knew back again.

I try with all my might to compartmentalize the evilness I see in my dad from the dad whom I knew, the dad who raised me. Sometimes it works, and we have a couple of great days like yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes my mind can't let the seal for the compartments in my brain hold tight enough, and the subsequent leak drives me into madness.

I hope for a better 2009, but am braced for what might come. I've learned to merely hope for the best, and expect the very worst. The innocence once so present in our family- replaced with a harsh kind of pessimism, preparation for hurt. There is no room for naivete in our world any longer.

CC