My sister has some words of her own she'd like to share.
I will post that when she is ready.
CC
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Spilled Milk
Like my aunt said. This is all spilled milk. The milk has been spilled. The damage has been done.
In the end...
She made her choice to go on. even after receiving an email telling her of the hurt it caused.
He continued after witnessing his family's grief. their tears. their tantrums. their cries.
I don't understand them. And I never will. And likely, they will continue to justify their actions to themselves. I'm not sure how either of them can look themselves in the mirror in the mornings. But I suppose preaching to others makes themselves feel better. Ironically enough, they both make their living doing so.
I'm also not sure how they can sleep at night. I do know my dad has much difficulty in doing so.
In the end...
She will have to go on living her life knowing the wrong she has done. and the hurt she has caused. the hurt she chooses to continue to cause.
In the end...
After my dad has died and she is in her old age too. She will not be a success. Her life will not be successful. She will be..alone. Utterly alone in this world. And I hope she stays that way so that her "love" cannot poison another man, another family.
In the end...
I am not sure my dad's life could be construed as a success either. What man can call himself a success, what kind of impact on this earth could be deemed positive, if he couldn't even make his own family happy. He let his family down.
I don't think I will be posting for awhile. Unless I have another one of my nightmares where I am awakened by my own screams out into the night. Screams of rage. Unless some other horrible news reaches my ears as to the development of this sick affair.
I will simply leave you with Ming's (her own self proclaimed) favorite Ripple Card Affirmation:
"My every act makes a difference in someone's life. I choose to make it a positive one."
I hope this is burned into every person's mind who reads this. Just bask in the irony of the above statement. This whole tale possesses enough irony to fill a book...
And I am very much, very much interested in writing it all down one day and publishing it into a neat little book. One you can pick up at Barnes & Nobles or Borders Books. Or any other bookstore for that matter.
They will have to live with themselves as the years come.
I can't punish them, cajole them, convince them, torment them, beg them, ask them, persuade them of anything.
Their deathbed, their mirror, their dreams will have to do that for me.
A lovely life to waste. A brilliant legacy to leave.
CC
In the end...
She made her choice to go on. even after receiving an email telling her of the hurt it caused.
He continued after witnessing his family's grief. their tears. their tantrums. their cries.
I don't understand them. And I never will. And likely, they will continue to justify their actions to themselves. I'm not sure how either of them can look themselves in the mirror in the mornings. But I suppose preaching to others makes themselves feel better. Ironically enough, they both make their living doing so.
I'm also not sure how they can sleep at night. I do know my dad has much difficulty in doing so.
In the end...
She will have to go on living her life knowing the wrong she has done. and the hurt she has caused. the hurt she chooses to continue to cause.
In the end...
After my dad has died and she is in her old age too. She will not be a success. Her life will not be successful. She will be..alone. Utterly alone in this world. And I hope she stays that way so that her "love" cannot poison another man, another family.
In the end...
I am not sure my dad's life could be construed as a success either. What man can call himself a success, what kind of impact on this earth could be deemed positive, if he couldn't even make his own family happy. He let his family down.
I don't think I will be posting for awhile. Unless I have another one of my nightmares where I am awakened by my own screams out into the night. Screams of rage. Unless some other horrible news reaches my ears as to the development of this sick affair.
I will simply leave you with Ming's (her own self proclaimed) favorite Ripple Card Affirmation:
"My every act makes a difference in someone's life. I choose to make it a positive one."
I hope this is burned into every person's mind who reads this. Just bask in the irony of the above statement. This whole tale possesses enough irony to fill a book...
And I am very much, very much interested in writing it all down one day and publishing it into a neat little book. One you can pick up at Barnes & Nobles or Borders Books. Or any other bookstore for that matter.
They will have to live with themselves as the years come.
I can't punish them, cajole them, convince them, torment them, beg them, ask them, persuade them of anything.
Their deathbed, their mirror, their dreams will have to do that for me.
A lovely life to waste. A brilliant legacy to leave.
CC
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
there is so much to say
Believe it or not, there is still so much to say. I haven't vomited/expunged all the black tar and bitterness I've carried in my heart onto this blog. But I have indeed successfully spit up a lot of it. I feel I can breathe a little easier, as the writing is truly cathartic for me.
During the 6 hr layover in LAX on my way back to Houston, my Aunt Jenny picked me up from the airport, and we talked. and talked. about this. I cried. she listened. and spoke.
This has really torn up the entire family. I'm now realizing. it has tremendous impact on my extended family as well. It's not just two ppl trying to be together against what society deems "appropriate/moral"...it is so much more than that. an intricate pattern, a complicated web? perhaps.
or actions. feelings. thoughts. all of which can be reduced to simple psychology 101. as to why my dad had so many affairs over the years, what type of women he usually chose (women he worked closely with in the company who looked up to him)..and why women are attracted to him back. What he stands for. what he believes. not what he is.
the need for him to feel loved/desired/looked up to/adored/be seen as a guru
the need for his paramours to be desired/doled upon/given attention
in the end, i'm sure it boils down to the simplest of truths: (atleast in the beginning) they like who they can be when they are with each other.
correction. they like who they feel they can *seem to be when they are with each other. someone with similar ideals/outlooks in life. they are dreamers.
(the ironic thing though: i'm sure they would like to think themselves moral people, good people, caring people. and the reality of their reltshp contradicts that very fact. So though they "seem" to be satiated by the fulfillment of being able to be who they want to be with each other, is it all just a sad, sad illusion? I guess it's a double edged sword.)
This isn't a hard thing for me to understand at all. Especially because I get so frustrated that I tend to not be able to be the person I would like to be around/for my dad. Especially not now. I can be the person I want to be with other close friends...but you can so rarely get away with that with close family. The irony of life.
The truth is, if my dad thinks i am a horrible person, and have done so much wrong as of late....he is mistaken. I would LIKE to do a lot more. I would LIKE to say a lot more, less eloquently. more barbarically. even MORE immaturely. but i don't. for reasons of my own.
he may not blv it, but i have some semblance of civility towards him because what he is doing now does not negate the ENTIRE upbringing of me by him. He was a good, caring, loving dad. (atleast this is what it appeared to be from my standpoint). Why he chose to live abroad and leave me at the age of 5 to start a business in Taiwan? He had recently explained to me.
But i still remember that day so utterly vividly. I was screaming and crying and begging for him not to go. And now he truly has gone. He can finally be the island he always wanted to be. An island away from us.
CC
During the 6 hr layover in LAX on my way back to Houston, my Aunt Jenny picked me up from the airport, and we talked. and talked. about this. I cried. she listened. and spoke.
This has really torn up the entire family. I'm now realizing. it has tremendous impact on my extended family as well. It's not just two ppl trying to be together against what society deems "appropriate/moral"...it is so much more than that. an intricate pattern, a complicated web? perhaps.
or actions. feelings. thoughts. all of which can be reduced to simple psychology 101. as to why my dad had so many affairs over the years, what type of women he usually chose (women he worked closely with in the company who looked up to him)..and why women are attracted to him back. What he stands for. what he believes. not what he is.
the need for him to feel loved/desired/looked up to/adored/be seen as a guru
the need for his paramours to be desired/doled upon/given attention
in the end, i'm sure it boils down to the simplest of truths: (atleast in the beginning) they like who they can be when they are with each other.
correction. they like who they feel they can *seem to be when they are with each other. someone with similar ideals/outlooks in life. they are dreamers.
(the ironic thing though: i'm sure they would like to think themselves moral people, good people, caring people. and the reality of their reltshp contradicts that very fact. So though they "seem" to be satiated by the fulfillment of being able to be who they want to be with each other, is it all just a sad, sad illusion? I guess it's a double edged sword.)
This isn't a hard thing for me to understand at all. Especially because I get so frustrated that I tend to not be able to be the person I would like to be around/for my dad. Especially not now. I can be the person I want to be with other close friends...but you can so rarely get away with that with close family. The irony of life.
The truth is, if my dad thinks i am a horrible person, and have done so much wrong as of late....he is mistaken. I would LIKE to do a lot more. I would LIKE to say a lot more, less eloquently. more barbarically. even MORE immaturely. but i don't. for reasons of my own.
he may not blv it, but i have some semblance of civility towards him because what he is doing now does not negate the ENTIRE upbringing of me by him. He was a good, caring, loving dad. (atleast this is what it appeared to be from my standpoint). Why he chose to live abroad and leave me at the age of 5 to start a business in Taiwan? He had recently explained to me.
But i still remember that day so utterly vividly. I was screaming and crying and begging for him not to go. And now he truly has gone. He can finally be the island he always wanted to be. An island away from us.
CC
Thursday, 1 January 2009
2009
It's a new year.
My father and I got into an argument in the airport before we said goodbye to each other. He later tracked me down in the terminal to make peace. It's not good to have grudges or bad blood - especially if one of our planes had happened to crash.
I was so angry I wrote a very pretty post in the airport free-internet booth. But after he tracked me down, I figured I would delete the post.
My dad thinks I haven't accepted his affair. It's not the case. I have accepted it. Just as I accept that there will be wars on this earth. People killing, maiming, harming other people. Famine, suicide, depression, homicide. I've accepted that these have occurred before my time here, occur during my time here, and will continue to occur after my time here.
I accept atrocities which occur in this world. Doesn't mean I have to approve of it. I do not approve. But I accept I do not have control over things I do not agree with. I don't have control over what he chooses to do with his life, or how he chooses to lead it, or whom he chooses to live his life with.
Doesn't mean I agree with it, doesn't mean I won't continue to voice my disapproval.
The truth is, they deserve each other. They both seem to have the uncanny knack of justifying anything to themselves. Justify, rationalize etc. The truth is, his family has shunned him so..
he truly HAS no one else he can turn to. Who else will care for him when he is old?
They are from the same cloth. They understand each other. So they can be together.
My mother, my extended family, we are of the same cloth. And so we will stay together and be together. We will take care of each other.
I don't understand the relationship they have together..
From my perspective, it cannot be more clear that ming has a very low self esteem.
Women who go after married men are quintessentially that- women of low self esteem.
I keep wondering if she has been sexually abused, or if her divorce left her with such low self worth, or if she herself is a child of divorce...
My dad says none of this is the case. I guess she is an anomoly to me then. The truth is, I don't know her. I only know her actions. You can merely judge a person based on their actions, not the words they choose to say, or the words they choose to make profit from.
Walk the walk if you want to talk the talk, I always say.
Luckily for me, I do not pretend to be pure or a DAYMAKER. I don't profit off of "positive psychology" or think myself worthy enough to legitimately say to a roomful of ppl, "let me coach you into a more positive work environment."
"let me show you the way" of making a positive ripple effect! YAY!!!!!! Let me sell some books about this too! yipee!!!
No. I readily admit my faults. I readily admit I am not that way. I think I am much further along the self actualization and moral scale than my father and ming. they are way back there on the primitive side of things...touting one thing, pulling another.
Sad, sad it is to me. And so, they should be together.
Nothing will convince me that she has any self worth or dignity whatsoever. Anyone who would like to counter me, can again, feel free to post a comment! : )
I do love my dad, but I must say, I do not love what he does, nor what he has done to this family.
I know his health is horrible, and he needs to rest. I do not think he has more than 10-15 years left. I truly believe he is one lung infection away from death.
I just hope he rests, and can live the remainder of his life in relative peace. And I hope the same for us (me, my mom, my sister, and our extended family) as well.
I hope this year will be better than the last. I think that is everyone's wish.
I accept that there will be many more atrocities in this world. Much pain and suffering will occur in 2009, and after.
However, I do not approve of any of it.
CC
My father and I got into an argument in the airport before we said goodbye to each other. He later tracked me down in the terminal to make peace. It's not good to have grudges or bad blood - especially if one of our planes had happened to crash.
I was so angry I wrote a very pretty post in the airport free-internet booth. But after he tracked me down, I figured I would delete the post.
My dad thinks I haven't accepted his affair. It's not the case. I have accepted it. Just as I accept that there will be wars on this earth. People killing, maiming, harming other people. Famine, suicide, depression, homicide. I've accepted that these have occurred before my time here, occur during my time here, and will continue to occur after my time here.
I accept atrocities which occur in this world. Doesn't mean I have to approve of it. I do not approve. But I accept I do not have control over things I do not agree with. I don't have control over what he chooses to do with his life, or how he chooses to lead it, or whom he chooses to live his life with.
Doesn't mean I agree with it, doesn't mean I won't continue to voice my disapproval.
The truth is, they deserve each other. They both seem to have the uncanny knack of justifying anything to themselves. Justify, rationalize etc. The truth is, his family has shunned him so..
he truly HAS no one else he can turn to. Who else will care for him when he is old?
They are from the same cloth. They understand each other. So they can be together.
My mother, my extended family, we are of the same cloth. And so we will stay together and be together. We will take care of each other.
I don't understand the relationship they have together..
From my perspective, it cannot be more clear that ming has a very low self esteem.
Women who go after married men are quintessentially that- women of low self esteem.
I keep wondering if she has been sexually abused, or if her divorce left her with such low self worth, or if she herself is a child of divorce...
My dad says none of this is the case. I guess she is an anomoly to me then. The truth is, I don't know her. I only know her actions. You can merely judge a person based on their actions, not the words they choose to say, or the words they choose to make profit from.
Walk the walk if you want to talk the talk, I always say.
Luckily for me, I do not pretend to be pure or a DAYMAKER. I don't profit off of "positive psychology" or think myself worthy enough to legitimately say to a roomful of ppl, "let me coach you into a more positive work environment."
"let me show you the way" of making a positive ripple effect! YAY!!!!!! Let me sell some books about this too! yipee!!!
No. I readily admit my faults. I readily admit I am not that way. I think I am much further along the self actualization and moral scale than my father and ming. they are way back there on the primitive side of things...touting one thing, pulling another.
Sad, sad it is to me. And so, they should be together.
Nothing will convince me that she has any self worth or dignity whatsoever. Anyone who would like to counter me, can again, feel free to post a comment! : )
I do love my dad, but I must say, I do not love what he does, nor what he has done to this family.
I know his health is horrible, and he needs to rest. I do not think he has more than 10-15 years left. I truly believe he is one lung infection away from death.
I just hope he rests, and can live the remainder of his life in relative peace. And I hope the same for us (me, my mom, my sister, and our extended family) as well.
I hope this year will be better than the last. I think that is everyone's wish.
I accept that there will be many more atrocities in this world. Much pain and suffering will occur in 2009, and after.
However, I do not approve of any of it.
CC
Monday, 29 December 2008
Thursday, 25 December 2008
Christmas
Christmas day went pretty well.
I have 4-5 more days left in Taiwan. My mother cannot wait for me to come home. She said she misses me so much, which is pretty remarkable to me, as she likes her space in that huge house of hers.
Dad and I called her on christmas (taiwan time) to wish her a merry xmas (christmas eve her time). When dad got off the phone, her voice cracked a little and she confided in me that she felt lonely on christmas, and that she was completely alone right then. I tried comforting her, and quickly switched the subject to something more upbeat.
I then immediately called my sister, Brandy, and asked her what she was doing for christmas, and let her know that mom was feeling lonesome. Brandy said she found it odd that mom would say that, as she was planning on spending the entire christmas day with her. I had momentarily forgotten it was merely christmas eve in houston. But this concerned her enough that she told me to get off the phone so that she could call mom and make sure she was okay and not feeling lonely.
We are like soldiers getting into immediate formation to battle against anything which might hurt our mother. You can imagine our defensiveness. I am proud of my sister doing all she can to help out while I am not there. This has been a hard job on us, and it can be exhausting at times. This is why we harbor such resentment: because we are the ones left with the burden so that dad can have his freedom/the life he chooses. We are the ones left with the pieces to pick up.
My mom will never be who she was before my dad's admission. I can't ever get that innocent, naive, truly happy mom back again. My uncles can't have their go lucky sister back again. I can't ever get the dad I thought I knew back again.
I try with all my might to compartmentalize the evilness I see in my dad from the dad whom I knew, the dad who raised me. Sometimes it works, and we have a couple of great days like yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes my mind can't let the seal for the compartments in my brain hold tight enough, and the subsequent leak drives me into madness.
I hope for a better 2009, but am braced for what might come. I've learned to merely hope for the best, and expect the very worst. The innocence once so present in our family- replaced with a harsh kind of pessimism, preparation for hurt. There is no room for naivete in our world any longer.
CC
I have 4-5 more days left in Taiwan. My mother cannot wait for me to come home. She said she misses me so much, which is pretty remarkable to me, as she likes her space in that huge house of hers.
Dad and I called her on christmas (taiwan time) to wish her a merry xmas (christmas eve her time). When dad got off the phone, her voice cracked a little and she confided in me that she felt lonely on christmas, and that she was completely alone right then. I tried comforting her, and quickly switched the subject to something more upbeat.
I then immediately called my sister, Brandy, and asked her what she was doing for christmas, and let her know that mom was feeling lonesome. Brandy said she found it odd that mom would say that, as she was planning on spending the entire christmas day with her. I had momentarily forgotten it was merely christmas eve in houston. But this concerned her enough that she told me to get off the phone so that she could call mom and make sure she was okay and not feeling lonely.
We are like soldiers getting into immediate formation to battle against anything which might hurt our mother. You can imagine our defensiveness. I am proud of my sister doing all she can to help out while I am not there. This has been a hard job on us, and it can be exhausting at times. This is why we harbor such resentment: because we are the ones left with the burden so that dad can have his freedom/the life he chooses. We are the ones left with the pieces to pick up.
My mom will never be who she was before my dad's admission. I can't ever get that innocent, naive, truly happy mom back again. My uncles can't have their go lucky sister back again. I can't ever get the dad I thought I knew back again.
I try with all my might to compartmentalize the evilness I see in my dad from the dad whom I knew, the dad who raised me. Sometimes it works, and we have a couple of great days like yesterday and the day before that. Sometimes my mind can't let the seal for the compartments in my brain hold tight enough, and the subsequent leak drives me into madness.
I hope for a better 2009, but am braced for what might come. I've learned to merely hope for the best, and expect the very worst. The innocence once so present in our family- replaced with a harsh kind of pessimism, preparation for hurt. There is no room for naivete in our world any longer.
CC
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Spending Time With Dad
Today I spent some time with dad. It was very nice. There was no fighting. We've agreed to disagree on a lot of things, but atleast we are no longer screaming at each other, and saying horrible things to each other anymore.
I am relieved I don't have to turn into that monster which screams and verbally demolishes someone whom I love.
He was originally going to be leaving for Hong Kong today to spend Christmas and New Years with her...but he has now postponed his flight. I don't know what made him decide to do that, if they had agreed it was better this way to wait until after I was gone, her being mad about the blog and refusing to let him go, (her having an expo/business meeting to attend to) etc.
I do know I doubt it was because my dad, of his own volition, decided to not go during my stay here in respect to me and my feelings.
Men are stupid. They don't understand a lot of things. Any smart person would realize a vacation during my stay here might not be the best idea....I had no strong, angry objections to him going to visit her this x-mas and new years only because he had already planned it without knowing that I was going to suddenly land in Taiwan with a landing visa.
I dropped in on him practically unannounced, and he welcomed me into his arms and home. And I love him for that. I love him for being there for me when I really, really needed him. I choke up every time I think about how great he was during that time.
I did voice my displeasure in an email saying that it hurt me that he was going to see her, and that I was disappointed. But after that, I had dropped the subject. Only until he pissed me off royally by going to see her in the middle of the night without preparing me at all that she was coming to taiwan did i really explode.
In some ways, I'm glad the explosion happened, because I think I had a LOT of unsaid things and pent up emotions that had to be let out. I was basically swallowing poison every night for years by keeping my mouth shut, and biting my tongue a lot.
What do I think about his postponment of his vacation? I am glad that it is the way that it is so that I can spend more quality time with him before I leave. I am merely saddened that I doubt it was his own idea, and more importantly, I am hurt that it seemed so easy for him to plan a vacation like this seemingly without any guilt about knowing that the people he should be with during this time is his family. His two daughters.
Before my call for help and need for him in Germany, we had not really spoken or talked or related for months and months and months. I essentially cut him off out of my world. I was always civil towards him through email and still talked business with him occasionally through email, but my replies were terse. I did not go out of my way to let him know about ANYTHING which was going on in my life. All of it was told to him by my mother in his infrequent phone calls to her.
Every time he called the house in Katy, I would wave to my mother to NOT let him know that I was there. I avoided talking to him over the phone at all costs because it was just too painful to talk to him. Think about that: too painful to talk with ones own dad. how pathetic and terribly sad is that???
So my point is: The ONLY REASON I've even semi-reconnected with my dad is because I felt I had nowhere else to go when my reltshp fell apart with Chris in Germany. Up until that point, I hadn't had a reltshp with my dad for a very long time.
Why do I say I feel saddened about his previously planned trip for xmas and new years? Because it seemed to me as though he was totally okay with not seeing his daughters for the holidays. I don't know what his rationale was in this, but I guess it could be partly due to my mother saying to not come home anymore, and for us saying we didn't want to see him in the states anymore. So I suppose on some level, my dad had no choice but to book that trip. He was alone in this world when it came to his family.
All of this happening, my sudden arrival here, has allowed him to see me- to catch up with me. Allowed for us to argue and to fight. Allowed for us to reconnect and reconvene. Allowed for us to talk once again. I had no choice in the matter but to talk to him again. Do you see?
Sometimes I wonder if he even noticed my distance. I wonder if he even knew he never got to really speak to either of his daughters over the phone anymore because they purposely avoided his call? We didn't do it out of hate for him so much as it was our way of self preservation- our way of trying to avoid the pain of our reality.
Trying to avoid the pain that when xmas came and new years came...we would not have a dad to be there with us. He would be with her. over there. We would have to wipe the tears that would inevitably come with my mom during the holidays. She is especially sad around Christmas and Thanksgiving-when she knows her family no longer exists. What she thought she worked so hard to maintain--dead as ash.
All in all though, I had a nice time with my dad today. We are shopping for xmas gifts for myself, Brandy, and mom. We haven't quite found anything for mom yet, but we will keep looking.
CC
I am relieved I don't have to turn into that monster which screams and verbally demolishes someone whom I love.
He was originally going to be leaving for Hong Kong today to spend Christmas and New Years with her...but he has now postponed his flight. I don't know what made him decide to do that, if they had agreed it was better this way to wait until after I was gone, her being mad about the blog and refusing to let him go, (her having an expo/business meeting to attend to) etc.
I do know I doubt it was because my dad, of his own volition, decided to not go during my stay here in respect to me and my feelings.
Men are stupid. They don't understand a lot of things. Any smart person would realize a vacation during my stay here might not be the best idea....I had no strong, angry objections to him going to visit her this x-mas and new years only because he had already planned it without knowing that I was going to suddenly land in Taiwan with a landing visa.
I dropped in on him practically unannounced, and he welcomed me into his arms and home. And I love him for that. I love him for being there for me when I really, really needed him. I choke up every time I think about how great he was during that time.
I did voice my displeasure in an email saying that it hurt me that he was going to see her, and that I was disappointed. But after that, I had dropped the subject. Only until he pissed me off royally by going to see her in the middle of the night without preparing me at all that she was coming to taiwan did i really explode.
In some ways, I'm glad the explosion happened, because I think I had a LOT of unsaid things and pent up emotions that had to be let out. I was basically swallowing poison every night for years by keeping my mouth shut, and biting my tongue a lot.
What do I think about his postponment of his vacation? I am glad that it is the way that it is so that I can spend more quality time with him before I leave. I am merely saddened that I doubt it was his own idea, and more importantly, I am hurt that it seemed so easy for him to plan a vacation like this seemingly without any guilt about knowing that the people he should be with during this time is his family. His two daughters.
Before my call for help and need for him in Germany, we had not really spoken or talked or related for months and months and months. I essentially cut him off out of my world. I was always civil towards him through email and still talked business with him occasionally through email, but my replies were terse. I did not go out of my way to let him know about ANYTHING which was going on in my life. All of it was told to him by my mother in his infrequent phone calls to her.
Every time he called the house in Katy, I would wave to my mother to NOT let him know that I was there. I avoided talking to him over the phone at all costs because it was just too painful to talk to him. Think about that: too painful to talk with ones own dad. how pathetic and terribly sad is that???
So my point is: The ONLY REASON I've even semi-reconnected with my dad is because I felt I had nowhere else to go when my reltshp fell apart with Chris in Germany. Up until that point, I hadn't had a reltshp with my dad for a very long time.
Why do I say I feel saddened about his previously planned trip for xmas and new years? Because it seemed to me as though he was totally okay with not seeing his daughters for the holidays. I don't know what his rationale was in this, but I guess it could be partly due to my mother saying to not come home anymore, and for us saying we didn't want to see him in the states anymore. So I suppose on some level, my dad had no choice but to book that trip. He was alone in this world when it came to his family.
All of this happening, my sudden arrival here, has allowed him to see me- to catch up with me. Allowed for us to argue and to fight. Allowed for us to reconnect and reconvene. Allowed for us to talk once again. I had no choice in the matter but to talk to him again. Do you see?
Sometimes I wonder if he even noticed my distance. I wonder if he even knew he never got to really speak to either of his daughters over the phone anymore because they purposely avoided his call? We didn't do it out of hate for him so much as it was our way of self preservation- our way of trying to avoid the pain of our reality.
Trying to avoid the pain that when xmas came and new years came...we would not have a dad to be there with us. He would be with her. over there. We would have to wipe the tears that would inevitably come with my mom during the holidays. She is especially sad around Christmas and Thanksgiving-when she knows her family no longer exists. What she thought she worked so hard to maintain--dead as ash.
All in all though, I had a nice time with my dad today. We are shopping for xmas gifts for myself, Brandy, and mom. We haven't quite found anything for mom yet, but we will keep looking.
CC
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)