there is so much to say

Believe it or not, there is still so much to say. I haven't vomited/expunged all the black tar and bitterness I've carried in my heart onto this blog. But I have indeed successfully spit up a lot of it. I feel I can breathe a little easier, as the writing is truly cathartic for me.

During the 6 hr layover in LAX on my way back to Houston, my Aunt Jenny picked me up from the airport, and we talked. and talked. about this. I cried. she listened. and spoke.

This has really torn up the entire family. I'm now realizing. it has tremendous impact on my extended family as well. It's not just two ppl trying to be together against what society deems "appropriate/moral"...it is so much more than that. an intricate pattern, a complicated web? perhaps.

or actions. feelings. thoughts. all of which can be reduced to simple psychology 101. as to why my dad had so many affairs over the years, what type of women he usually chose (women he worked closely with in the company who looked up to him)..and why women are attracted to him back. What he stands for. what he believes. not what he is.

the need for him to feel loved/desired/looked up to/adored/be seen as a guru
the need for his paramours to be desired/doled upon/given attention

in the end, i'm sure it boils down to the simplest of truths: (atleast in the beginning) they like who they can be when they are with each other.

correction. they like who they feel they can *seem to be when they are with each other. someone with similar ideals/outlooks in life. they are dreamers.

(the ironic thing though: i'm sure they would like to think themselves moral people, good people, caring people. and the reality of their reltshp contradicts that very fact. So though they "seem" to be satiated by the fulfillment of being able to be who they want to be with each other, is it all just a sad, sad illusion? I guess it's a double edged sword.)

This isn't a hard thing for me to understand at all. Especially because I get so frustrated that I tend to not be able to be the person I would like to be around/for my dad. Especially not now. I can be the person I want to be with other close friends...but you can so rarely get away with that with close family. The irony of life.

The truth is, if my dad thinks i am a horrible person, and have done so much wrong as of late....he is mistaken. I would LIKE to do a lot more. I would LIKE to say a lot more, less eloquently. more barbarically. even MORE immaturely. but i don't. for reasons of my own.

he may not blv it, but i have some semblance of civility towards him because what he is doing now does not negate the ENTIRE upbringing of me by him. He was a good, caring, loving dad. (atleast this is what it appeared to be from my standpoint). Why he chose to live abroad and leave me at the age of 5 to start a business in Taiwan? He had recently explained to me.

But i still remember that day so utterly vividly. I was screaming and crying and begging for him not to go. And now he truly has gone. He can finally be the island he always wanted to be. An island away from us.

CC